I've been very blue, very down, a little defeated - and then I got injured, so I couldn't even work my anger and disappointment out on a run.
I'm not an angry person, pretty much ever. It's funny though, it was levelled at me several months ago that I am angry all the time. Looking back, I can see that the person that said that to me, is actually angry all the time. It wasn't me, it's not me.
I'm doing the blogging equivalent of drooling here, I think. What's happened is, I have started to come out of the other side. Only started; there are still plenty (oh, plenty) of nights in, drunk, with my dog. But I'm being more sociable. I have physio exercises to do to sort out my weak right hamstring (how can it be weak? That muscle* is fuckin' HUGE). I'm allowed to run but have to go easy on hills. Life is sorting itself out, a bit at a time. I don't wake up feeling lousy now. I'm putting more into my work. Cooking more often, seeing friends. I've even spoken to a few women. Nothing more than that, but that's a big step for me. I came out of that relationship with zero confidence, absolutely nothing. It's a long road back but I'm wiser, I have more scars, and at least now I know what I DON'T want for my life.
So what do I want? Well, a bit more sleep would be nice - I am still struggling to sleep without the healing power of massive amounts of alcohol. A bit more money would be useful, but that should sort itself out in the not-too-distant. Hopefully when my hamstring is happier, running will be better**. But it is all a process.
Still... What do I want? I keep coming back to the same thing. I want to be an Ironman. Crazy maybe, but there are some fine examples out there of people who have gone from nothing to, well, being an Ironperson. Is that the right term? It is now.
I don't want to race it, I just want to do it. Race myself. Push myself. See who I am, what I am made of. I want to enjoy the training, the journey itself, and see who I become. My job is perfect for training hard, yet I've never exploited that really. Maybe it's time?
*I know. Them muscles, obv.
**Just adding some stamina to the muscle group now, and teaching it to work in concert with the rest of the body; went for a run the other night, and it was - for me - fast! But after three miles, the muscle got tired and I was carrying a passenger again, so had to walk the last mile home. But now I can spot these things, it feels like progress.